A thing of beauty

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

It’s A Fact

• If you accidentally burn yourself, clean the skin and apply light pressure with the finger pads of your unmarred hand onto the burn so you will not blister.

• Rubbing ice on the back of your hand, on the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger reduces toothache pain.

• Sleeping on your left side will make you less likely to suffer from acid reflux.